Let me start by saying Ive been a lost little girl for 40 years.
Ive been living my life with more masks than one girl should have just so that nobody will see the real me. One would think it was Mardi Gras year round with the number of masks I have (LOL, if it were even remotely funny!)
Truth be told, Ive always been afraid that if anybody saw the real me, they wouldnt like me, so I put on whatever mask I thought the other person the obviously much more perfect, got their act together person would be most comfortable with.
WELL NO MORE my masks are coming off the walls are coming down and my shame is being used as fertilizer in my garden!
WHY SO MANY MASKS YOU MAY WONDER
Lack of confidence anxiety awkwardness
I was very thin as a child but very tall then along came puberty and another growth spurt final height 6 feet tall!
At that time, they didnt have clothing made especially for tall women (or children). ??I felt awkward and fat, even though I was still very thin, I was so much taller (and heavier) than all of my friends.?? While my friends were wearing a size 6 I was wearing a size 10.?? My pants were too short and hit me wrong the waistline in dresses didnt hit me where my waist was knee highs couldnt have found my knees with a GPS even the go-go boots of the 70s (yes, they were VERY POPULAR) hit me mid-calf and all of this was just the beginning of my downfall.
As a very young and self-conscious girl I was ashamed of being so tall as if it was my fault or worthy of??shame.
I WASNT ORDINARY AND ALL I WANTED TO BE WAS AN ORDINARY GIRL!
THE ONLY COMFORT I HAD WAS FOOD
and no I dont mean fruits and vegetables.
I would walk a mile to school, but I always stopped at the Plaid Pantry for a little something candy, cookies, Hostess whatever. ??I became a closet eater. ??I had food hidden in my desk at school my locker, later on and hidden in my bedroom at home.
AND THEN CAME SUCCESS IF YOU WANT TO CALL IT THAT!
I finally succeeded I turned my vision of myself into reality I was fat and ultimately obese. ??Isnt that a horrific?? word. ??I remember going to the doctor once when I was 16, and he referred to me as voluptuous.?? At first I thought that was a good thing then I found out he meant my now size 16 frame was waaaay too large! Add another shame quill to my shame porcupine.
ALL THE WHILE I CARRIED SHAME THAT WAS NEVER MINE TO CARRY
My shame porcupine had a lot of shame quills. Like a porcupine, these quills protected me from anybody getting too close to me.
I carried so much shame for things that I didnt deserve to have shame over they werent MY shame. ??I said I was going to remove the masks and let everybody see the real me well here we go:
- TOO TALL how could anybody relate to or like me (Im awkward)
- FAMILY ALCOHOLISM how could I invite anybody over to play?
- MOLESTED BY EX-STEP-FATHER It was only for a short time, but with long term repercussions and shame
- OBESITY who could love this out of control girl living an out of control life
I TRIED TO LOSE WEIGHT OH YES, I DID!
I tried to lose my weight quite often, with some successes and some failures but I always gained it back + more add another shame quill to the porcupine that had become me.
Here are just a few of the many diets I tried some healthier than others
- WEIGHT WATCHERS
- COUNTING CALORIES
- EATING ALL PROTEIN
- EATING ALL CARBS
- FOOD COMBINING
- EX-LAX (I mean a whole box of 60 at a time)
- JENNY CRAIG
- and finally
GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY
There were so many diets I just cant remember them all, but my final act of desperation was gastric bypass surgery.
Gastric bypass surgery was also one of the biggest mistakes of my life. ??I did lose all the weight (200 lbs) only to find myself a scrawny, droopy, saggy, six foot tall, size 10. It definitely didnt look like the size 10 of my youth!
Let me just say for any of you who are considering gastric bypass surgery there is no way to lose so much weight, so quickly, without being left with droopy, saggy skin; near empty boobs, and a butt that could pass as a collection plate.
BUT IT GOT WORSE!
When I had the surgery I was told that I would sugar dump. Sugar dumping is what happens to MOST gastric bypass patients when they eat sugar.
- It feels like youre having a heart attack. In fact, it feels so bad, you hope youll die quickly, just to get it over with.
- Or sometimes you just becomes exceptionally, instantly sleepy and lethargic and you absolutely MUST lie down!
Neither of those things are what happened to me.?? My body reacted different than most.?? I could eat all the sugar and junk food I wanted, but I could NOT eat the healthy foods without throwing it up and not just in the short term but even now 15 years later! What that means is I cant tolerate most meats and most veggies are out too. Things like broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, any soft leaf lettuces, etc., all cause me problems.
WELL AT LEAST YOU GOT THIN, KAREN, SO MAYBE IT WAS WORTH IT
Oh, I can hear you now, but not so fast my friend fast forward 15 years
I have gained most of the weight back and still my body cant process enough nutrients to sustain a healthy body. ??The results being:
- DEGENERATIVE ??BODY both knees, both hips, back (including a protruding disc in my back)
- LOW POTASSIUM AND LOW MAGNESIUM resulting in a cardiac arrest from an otherwise completely healthy heart! Karen Carpenter died from anorexia, but it was really from being deplete of potassium and magnesium. It stopped her heart, just as it did mine!
Those are just some of the results of my gastric bypass surgery, leaving me with the overwhelming feeling that Im too old (or to young) for this s#%t.
I NEED TO DO SOMETHING NOW!
I need to lower all my self-protecting devices and masks and live openly and honestly.
I am working on really loving myself (warts and all) changing what I can and embracing what I cant.
God created ME, he gave me so many talents that I have cast aside devalued or outright buried. ??I dont mean talents like singing (I wish), or dancing, or art but HE gave me the talent of loving others compassion a servants heart and laughter.?? Thank you LORD for those gifts.
THE TRUTH OF MY LIFE AND MY JOURNEY
Heres to Peace, Love, and New Beginnings!